Tricia Iwuoha
Narcissism is a personality disorder that causes extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. When determining whether someone is a narcissist, most people make it more complicated than it needs to be. While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behaviour, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings. They also do not understand the effect that their behaviour has on other people. Signs of narcissism are often hard to spot in the beginning stages of a relationship, but over time, these signs can be seen more clearly. Below are behaviours that a narcissist may present in a relationship.
You feel unloved
When you first got together, you felt like the most amazing person in the world. However, as time went on and problems arose, your partner begins to devalue and ignore you. This is a red flag that they’re not who they made themselves out to be in the first place. You likely were receiving love bombs in the beginning to get you hooked, but once you are married, those love bombs go away.
You see through the charm
On the surface, everyone thinks your partner is charming. However, it’s only because they are so great at hiding their true colours when in public. They say all the right things and people love them, but the second that you’re alone with your partner everything changes and suddenly you’re dealing with a completely different person than who everyone else sees on the outside. It can be difficult for others to realise what happens behind closed doors because your spouse appears so charming on the surface.
Lack of connection
You are faced with a partner who rarely shows interest or ask questions about anything going on in your life or about your plans for the future and how you can work together to achieve the life you want.
You are manipulated
Your partner will make subtle threats throughout the relationship. They may not be direct with their words, but you’ll get a sense that something is wrong but can’t identify what it is. Often, people in this kind of relationship forget what life was like before the manipulation started. This is a way of controlling and manipulating their partners to get what they want.
They pick on you constantly
Maybe at first it felt like teasing but then it gets mean or became constant. Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with isn’t good. They tend to put you down or make negative comments about you or the things that you do behind your back but often to your face and make jokes that aren’t quite funny. Their goal is to lower your self-esteem so that they can increase their own because it makes them feel powerful.
You’re constantly being gaslighted
When someone constantly denies things that you know to be true, they are gaslighting you. This is often seen in abusive or controlling relationships and is a common tactic among narcissists.
Your partner may tell lies about your behavior and try to twist reality so that it fits their version of events rather than what really happened. You might begin second-guessing yourself and feel like you’re going crazy.
If your partner does this in front of family members and friends, those people may start to think the problem is with you instead of your partner.
They avoid conversations
It’s difficult having a conversation with your partner because it seems as though every conversation ends in an argument no matter how hard you try to stay calm and not get upset by what they say or do. The narcissist constantly tries to push your buttons to get you to react. Often, it’s better to avoid having a conversation entirely than to deal with the constant mind games and this act really gets them mad.
Lack of responsibility
Your narcissistic partner likely never takes responsibility for their actions and always blames you to maintain their own façade of perfection. If something goes wrong, it is your fault even if they were the one to blame.
Everything bad that happens in their life is somehow because of you, which leaves you feeling like there’s nothing that you can do right. You won’t get an apology from a narcissistic person.
Constant silent treatment
Your partner uses the silent treatment as a power play to control you. They’ll withhold affection and ignore your existence until they feel like being nice again, which is usually only when it will benefit them in some way (like getting what they want).
You might think that this behavior is normal or even expected of people who are married. However, the truth is that the silent treatment isn’t part of a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship.
They have no (or any) long term friends
Most narcissists don’t have any long term real friends. If you look into their connections, you may notice that they only have casual acquaintances, buddies they trash-talk and enemies.
As a result, they berate you for the types of friends you have. They might claim that you aren’t loyal to them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends.
Hide their vulnerabilities
Narcissists don’t feel much guilt because they think they are always right, and they don’t believe their behaviours really affect anyone else. But they harbor a lot of shame. Buried in a deeply repressed part of the narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that they are constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including themselves. The narcissist is acutely ashamed of all these rejected thoughts and feelings. Keeping their vulnerabilities hidden is essential to the narcissist’s pretend self-esteem or false self. Ultimately, however, this makes it impossible for them to be completely real and transparent.
Your needs are ignored
Your partner only thinks about their own needs and how things affect them; never yours or anyone else’s, including the kids’ if you have a family. They will only do things that benefit them and not you or your relationship together. Your emotional needs are never met. For example, they tend to hold back sex or affection and only give or show it when they want, also if they are married, they favour certain children over others if they feel that child makes them look better.
Lack empathy
Because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy and hardly apologise which is a hallmark sign of narcissism and constant need for self-protection. Narcissists can’t truly love or connect emotionally with other people. They cannot look at the world from anyone else’s perspective. This makes them emotionally needy. When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap relationships or start a new one as soon as possible. They desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathise with them, and to make everything just as they want it to be.
They hardly define the relationship
There are thousands of reasons someone might not want to label your relationship. Maybe they’re polyamorous, you’ve both agreed to be friends-with-benefits, or you’re simply keeping it casual. But if your partner is exhibiting some of the other symptoms on this list and won’t commit, it’s likely a red flag.
Some narcissists will expect you to treat them like they are your partner so they can reap the intimate, emotional, and sexual benefits while also keeping an eye out for prospects who they deem superior. In fact, you may notice that your partner flirts with or looks at others in front of you, your family, or your friends.
They panic when you try to break up with them
As soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives. At first, they will say all the right things to make you think they have changed.
If you insist that you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them. Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who wronged them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault including the breakup.
The result? They might bad-mouth you to save face. Or they might start immediately dating someone else to make you feel jealous and help heal their ego. Or they will try to steal your friends.
Now you know you’re dating a narcissist…My advice
If you’re in a relationship with narcissist, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a bit. Narcissists aren’t willing to change because this would mean admitting something is wrong within them and narcissists never admit such things. Being in a relationship with someone who’s always criticising, belittling, gaslighting and not committing to you is emotionally draining. That’s why, for your own sanity the best thing for you to do is to end the relationship.
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100% true